God is truly a funny Man, for REAL!
If you’ve been reading my blog at SheSOFly.com, you’ll know that I have been on a quest for my purpose since about week two in my juice fast. Although I always knew that I had a purpose of some sort to fulfill, it was not really something I set out to do while fasting.
Once I felt this thirst for enlightenment, I set out looking for life coaches, trying to read different books, talking with a friend or two here and there because my mind was racing all over the place. There was this huge ‘pull’ in the universe that was forcing me to sit back and examine my life as a whole…and not just the physical but emotional and mental cleansing as well.
After a while, I started to get random messages from people that I don’t know, and the messages were always centered around the same thing. I would always say thanks and then respond to the contents of their email/text/FB message, but would also notice that I felt a weird sense of ‘joy’ when I’d hit send. And it dawned on me (after this happened repeatedly), that maybe this was the whisper that Oprah was talking about. Maybe these messages, combined with my gut was the answer that I was looking for.
So then I started to say “I THINK this is what God wants me to do.” But with every time I said ‘think,’ I’d get yet another message that was even louder than the first. I questioned a lot of it, thinking to myself that there is no way in the world that “I” would be asked to do what He was asking. I knew nothing about it, had never EVER thought about doing it…it was something foreign and unreal to me.
A few hours ago, I sent out a series of tweets (@MissJia) …..
Still need that idea person. And I’m still getting a life coach. I don’t eem care that I feel like I’ve figured it out. Want that ear.
Just need to make sure that some of the decisions I’m making aren’t because I feel overwhelmed at times. That’s about it.
A lot of times, you can speak to people and they basically sit, listen, and confirm. I need a “nah, not that” or something….
At this very moment was a moment when I felt doubt again. I was really questioning if it was the right move. Although I wouldn’t say that I was ‘hopeless’ in that moment, I absolutely will say that I was doubtful…not of my ability but really about if it was the right decision.
And then one of my followers sent the above photo, which is a screen shot of my horoscope for today*. You see what it says, right? People have varying opinions about horoscopes and God, but my beliefs aren’t usually the same as others. I stopped reading my horoscope about a year or so ago because I felt that I was becoming too ‘dependent’ on them to govern my day. But in that moment, that screen shot was sent to me and it made me feel better. It’s seriously almost like I’m being yelled at at this point.
I know that God makes no mistakes, but there are times that (due to mistakes in my past where I’ve disrespected myself and hurt a lot of people) I feel as though I’m not worthy of anything ‘special.’ I feel as though I disappointed a lot of people in so many ways and that God isn’t happy with that. Even though you’re taught as a Christian that God doesn’t turn His back on you, no matter what, there’s still a huge part of me at times that feels unworthy of His grace. Like…if He were to EVER tell me that He was done with me, I’d ‘get it.’
Nonetheless, I’ve had a few doubts in my head as of late, and I’m working on getting out of my own way on that one. I’m just extremely grateful that He still has things in store for me, even when I feel that I don’t deserve them.